Ten things that never happened on Barney Miller
by RA'AY'MOND
Summary: Ten crazy Barney Miller crossover ideas that I will NEVER do!Well, I 'probable' will never do.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller or I dream of jeannie. Nor will I make any profit from this work of fiction.

Ten things that never happened on Barney Miller.

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond.**

1-Jeannie

Lieutenant Scanlon's body jerks up and down, while his head moves left to right. He performs these movements with enough energy and fluidity to give the casual onlooker motion sickness.

The lieutenant displays a reptilian grin. This reveals tiny, piranha like teeth. After staring at Wojo for several seconds he finally says, "Five thousand dollars in gold coins and a diamond the size of a goose egg in your locker. A Picasso painting found propped-up against your desk. And let us not forget the recent deposit of fifty thousand dollars into your savings account. A preliminary review of possible misconduct in your captain's office in one minute. All this, one day before the bribery and corruption investigation. And you want to know if you can _run to the men's room?_"

Scanlon moves right up to Wojo's anxious looking face. He gently but firmly pokes him several times in the chest with a rolled up newspaper that he always seems to have in his right coat pocket. He then waves his newspaper toward the men's room and dramatically says, "SURE! GO RIGHT AHEAD! But be sure to wash your hands when you're done." The Lieutenant turns away from Wojo in disgust as he finishes his last thought by hissing, "There's nothing I hate more then a _dirty cop_!"

A now enraged Sgt. Wojciehowicz stalks into the men's room. Lt. Scanlon eyeballs the remaining detectives in the room. He gives them a tight-lipped smile as he hisses a gravelly order, "Make sure he doesn't leave the squad room!"

He turns away to go into Barney's office. He then suddenly makes a full circle and tells the detectives, "Oh, when I done 'interviewing' Sgt. Det. Stanley Wojciehowicz, I've got a few questions for the rest of you. So, don't make any plans for the next, twelve to twenty-four hours. Ha ha ha!"

He once again turns toward Captain Barney Miller and Inspector Frank Lugar. He looks Barney up and down, and gives him a dirty look before saying, "Miller! I always knew that you had some _crooked cops_ in your house. Now I just got 'a find out how many. And _how far up_ it goes."

Upon hearing this, Barney flies into a rage. As the three men step into his office he screams, "Scanlon…Granted this are unusual circumstances! However…I am positive that Det. Wojciehowicz will be able to explain these…possessions!"

Before Scanlon can interrupt, Barney continues, "And further more, none of these objects has come up on the hot-sheets. So we know that their not stolen!"

Capt. Miller stands nose-to-nose with Lt. Scanlon as he says, "And you had sure as hell better have more then a rolled up news paper to back up any allegations about me, or my men doing anything illegal! Because if it turns out that this is just another one of your _witch-hunts_, I will personally see to it that you're finished on the force! Do I make my self clear, _Lieutenant_?"

As the door is closing to the captain's office you can hear Inspector frank Lugar's deep New York accent chime in, "You tell'em Barney. In addition, you can put this in your report Lt. _Scan-lon_, da days of you _desk-jockeys_ at _in-ter-nal af-fairs_ riding on'a backs of hard working cops is long gone! And if your even thing about bringing up the waitress in _Ben-son-hurst,_ well that was years ago! The department knows all about it smart guy!"

Several seconds after the door to Barney's office shuts, Wojo sticks his head out of the men's room. He peaks around the corner and whispers for Det. Arthur Dietrich to come over to him. Once Dietrich gets near the men's room door, Wojo asks him to come in. He tells Dietrich that he needs to tell him something…very important.

After Dietrich steeps into the men's room, Wojo closes the door and explains where the gold coins, the diamond and the Picasso came from.

Once he hears Wojo's explanation, Dietrich stares at him silently for several seconds. When he does speak, it's in his usual deep, deadpan voice, "You've had several days to come up with an excuse, and that's the best you can do?"

Before Wojo can answer, Dietrich rises up his right hand in a _halt_ fashion. He then continues, "OK. Let me get this straight. Several days ago, after that big storm. You went swimming at _Coney Island_. That's when you found a _bottle with a Genie in it_. And when you opened it, she became your magical servant. Granting your every command."

Dietrich continues, "However, you've come to find that she grants your requests _to the letter_. The result of this is that you never get the sought-after benefit that you requested. Also, the wish detrimentally affects your life, and the lives of others around you. And you are hopping that I can help you _precisely_ word your wish, to clean up this mess with Lt. Scanlon. Hopefully, with no negative backlash. Am I correct so far?"

Wojo nods his head yes and lets out a loud sigh. He fills that since Dietrich is aware of his secret, he is much closer to getting his life back on track.

Wojo feels this way for about three seconds. Then Dietrich gets uncharacteristically angry as he says, "A Bigger _crock-of-crap_ I never heard!" Wojo unconsciously takes a steep back from Dietrich's verbal assault.

"Look Wojo…if you're looking for an _insanity defense_, that story just might keep you out of prison. But your days of being a cop are over. And if that's the case, _please_ don't drag me or anyone else down with you."

"None of us think that you're a thief. But all of us are about to suffer because of your _new found wealth_." Dietrich turns his back on Wojo and is about to open door to leave as he says, "Now I got 'a get back to work. And you got a meeting to go to."

As Dietrich reaches for the door, Wojo looks up toward the ceiling and says, "OK Jeannie, now."

At that moment, out of nowhere, a pillar of smoke appears. It first moves from the top of the ceiling and lowers itself to the floor. Then it quickly takes the shape of a beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde woman. She is wearing a sort of red and burgundy bikini that is slightly covered in scarves. And her hair is wrapped in a ball, hidden under a fez cap.

As soon as she materializes, she smiles as she looks _deep_ into Wojo's eyes and says, "Yes master!"

Dietrich stops dead in his tracks. He pushes his glasses back up his nose to get a better look at Jeannie. Once he recovers, he turns toward Wojo and says, "OK, so I'm wrong! _First time for everything_!"

**LOVED IT?**

**HATED IT?**

**PLEASE LET ME KNOW.**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller or Green Acres. Nor will I make any profit from this work of fiction.

Ten things that never happened on Barney Miller.

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond.**

2-Green Acres

Sergeant Ron Harris places his cashmere overcoat on the coat stand after returning from a call with Sergeant Phillip K. Fish. He sits down in his seat behind his desk just as patrolman Carl levitt enters the detective's squad room and says, "Mail call Sergeants!"

Levitt closes the door before walking over to Harris's desk. He hands Harris one envelope and says, "Sergeant Harris, this came special delivery for you. From out of stateI had to _personally_ sign for it!"

As Det. Harris takes the envelope he sees Levitt standing there waiting for some kind of acknowledgement of the extra effort he preformed on his behalf. Instead of thanking him, Det. Harris merely looks Levitt up and down and says, "Well thank you_ little Levitt. _Do you accept cash or would you prefer a check?"

Levitt sways his head slightly as he disregards the insult and responds, "No need for a tip, or sarcasm Det. Harris. I was merely pointing out that your letter seemed important enough for me to drop everything else that I was doing at the time, and sign for it. I realize that _up here_, it's easy to forget the fact that we grunts in uniforms also have important work to do. _We are human you know_! A little thanks now and then would be nice!"

Harris listens to Levitt's rant until he appears to be finished. Harris then bows his head slightly and replies, "You're absolutely right. Thank you for signing for my letter Levitt. Also, I'm sorry that you had to _drop everything_ to do it."

Harris then looks levitt up and down once again while smiling as he tells him, "The good thing is if you had to drop something, it probable wouldn't have that long of a fall…if you know what I mean."

Levitt smirks at this latest slight against his height, or lack of it. He then points an angry finger at Harris and says, "That's right, Yuk it up! You know what your problem is Det. Harris? _You don't what it's like to live in this society as a member of a minority group!_"

Before Det. Harris, who is African American can respond, officer Levitt moves a little closer. He nods his head towards the special delivery envelope and asks, "So, is it important or what?"

As Harris opens the letter he smiles and says, "Well, I guess I can tell you. While on a recent skiing vacation, I got into a friendly game of Backgammon with another vacationer at the ski lodge. After a few games we both agreed that it would be a little more _interesting,_ if we…made a friendly wager on the next few games."

Harris reads his letter as he continues, "After that, we upped the ante, so to speak." At this point Harris stops reading the letter as he recounts the story to Levitt. His old wooden chair creeks a little, as he leans back in it. He grins as he says, "Now before either one of us knew it, my opponent was in the hole for a few hundred dollars. I offered to end the game then and there and let him pay me _half_. However, he said three words that changed my mind."

Levitt asks Harris, "Oh really? What three words were they?" Harris looks Levitt in the eye and says, "_Double or nothing_! And he lost!"

Harris then sits up a little straighter as he says, "Now my new best friend had a little cash flow problem. He didn't have enough to cover his wager. However, He offered to give me title to a small parcel of land with a run down cottage on it. He promised that it was worth _several times more_ then what he owed me. However, it was on the east coast, and he lived on the other side of the country. It seems that it was given to him in a will from some distant family member that he hardly knew. He had no real attachment to it. And I thought that I may want to use it as a vacation home/tax shelter."

Levitt tries to fight his growing feelings of jealousy. He fails. He stands a little straighter, and nods his head from side to side, as he says, "_two book deals, a sergeants badge and now this. It must be great being you."_

Det. Harris laughs a little while replying, "Yes, it is!"

At this point Levitt turns toward the other Sergeants and tells Harris over his shoulder, "Well, I guess I should get back to handing out the mail to the other Sergeants. You know, _the poor ones_!"

Harris then picks up the letter again and reads it to himself while telling Levitt, "There is one thing though…" levitt then quickly does an about-face while saying, "Oh, bad news I hope…not!"

Harris seems to have missed Levitt's _Freudian slip_ as he says, "Maybe. The lands former owner warned me that the cottage needed a lot of work before anyone can live in it again. Also, the only repair company close to this place is owned by some guy named _Mr. Haney._ He also told me that he never used this guy. However, on his one and only trip to the place, everyone warned him to keep an eye on this guy if he ever hired him to work on the place. I meet Mr. Haney when I went there to hire him. He seems ok. He promised to contact me when the work was done. Or, if he ran into any _cost over runs_. And it looks like he has."

As Harris reads the letter, he grows angrier by the minute. He then turns to levitt and says, "I've got'a call this guy right away!"

Levitt smiles as he tells Harris, "I hope everything comes out ok." Levitt then thinks to himself_, I guess it does rain in southern California. And on Det. Harris's brand new cottage. Good! I hear it makes the flowers grow._

Harris franticly dials the out of state number for Mr. Haney. After several rings, the phone is finally answered by Mr. Haney himself. Harris tells him, "Hello, Mr. Haney? Ron Harris here! I've just received your letter. And I have just one question to ask you. _Man, are you crazy_?"

Mr. Haney replies in a deep country accented drawl, "Well now Mr. Harris. I'm sorry if I my letter wasn't clear about the charges for repairing your cottage. Maybe I can shad some light on the more… _confusing_ parts for you."

Harris says, "Ok! How about the first line on the bill. "Repaired water pipes and replaced septic tank. $1,500. Cost to connect water pipes to out-side supply of water, and connect wastes water pipes to septic system $5,000." I thought that the original fee of $1,500 was for _everything_."

"Well-sir. The price we agreed upon was for _repaired_ pipes, and a _new_ septic tank. We never talked about _connecting _them_ to_ anything. Now if for some reason you don't want _running water_ in your home, or a _flush toilet_, you can use the _hand pump_ in your back yard. You can't miss it. It's about one hundred feet from the _out-house_."

Harris opens his eyes wide and looks at the receiver as he asks, "An out house! Man…have we met?" Before Mr. Haney can respond, Harris looks back at the letter and says, "Well get back to those things later. What about the new roof? You got three prices down here for that. One _new roof_ $2,000. _Removal_ of old roof $4,000. _Disposal_ of old roof and _replacing_ it with the new roof $9,000. Now explain that to me. I own _one roof_, and you're charging me_ three times_ to replace it. Just tell me on thing

Mr. Haney, did you or did you not make me a new roof?"

"Oh yes Sir Mr. Harris. I sure did. And if you don't mind me saying so, it's a beauty."

Harris relaxes in his creaky chair as he asks, "You did, Well, where is it?"

"Well, right where I left it. Sitting next to your house. Waiting for you to give me the ok to remove and dispose of the _old_ roof."

Harris is speechless when he hears this. He can't believe that Mr. Haney would build a new roof before removing the old one. And then just putting it on the ground until further notice. Then he remembers the old roof. If Haney didn't have it repaired, or removed piece by piece already, how was he planning on having it removed now? Maybe he was planning to use a crane, _or two_.

Harris rolls his eyes as he sarcastically asks Mr. Haney, "While were on the subject of the old roof, where are you planning on moving it to? Or are you going to sell that leaky old thing to a children's orphanage?"

Mr. Haney pauses as he replies, "Oh no. No sir Mr. Harris…_I won't make that mistake twice_." Harris pulls the phone away in disgusts at Mr. Haney's answer. Mr. Haney continues talking, "Anyway, when you've made up your mind be sure to give me a call. You'd better be quick about it though. Judging by the number of _hornets_ buzzing around your new roof, I'd say their about to set it up as a new hive…real soon. Then I'm going to have to _tack-on_ a few hundred dollars to fumigate it. Talk to you soon, I hope."

Before Harris can reply, Mr. Haney hangs up. Det. Harris says a few cuss words to the dial tone. Patrolman Levitt looks on dispassionately and asks, "Problems with the help Sergeant?" Harris gives Levitt a dirty look as he replies, "Yes, but there's not much I can do about you! Mr. Haney on the other hand, I'm can deal with. If he thinks that he can mess around with me, like I'm just another local 'bum-kin', then has got another thing coming."

Harris hangs up the phone and picks up the receiver again. He pulls out a business card from his jacket pocket, and reads the name on it aloud, "Mr. Oliver Wendell Douglas, Esq." He then points the card at Levitt and says, "This was given to me by the owner of the local general store. I meet him when I went to see Mr. Haney, and the property. Apparently, this guy _Mr._ _Douglas_ was a big time lawyer form here in New York City. Until one day, he just threw it all away. Then he and his wife moved out there to get away from the rat race. It looks like I'm going to have to take Haney to court. I just hope that this guy will take the case."

As he dials the number for Mr. Douglas, Harris thinks about hiring _Arnold Ripner_ to take the on case. He shivers at the thought, and puts it out of his mind. After six rings, Harris looks at the business card again. It says that he should let the phone ring about twelve times before hanging up. Harris starts to hang up at ring number eight when a man with a deep, educated sounding voice answers the phone. He says, "Hello, Mr. Oliver Douglas here. How may I help you?"

Harris tells him about his recent call with Mr. Haney and asks would he mind taking the on case against him. He also asks if he is _friends_ with Mr. Haney and would there be a _conflict of interests_. Harris has to pull the phone away from his ear because of the loud sound of Mr. Douglas's laughter. When Mr. Douglas is done laughing he says, "Friends with Mr. Haney! Mr. Harris, that made me laugh so hard, _I almost fell off of the phone poll."_

Harris is about to ask Mr. Douglas why is he on a phone poll. Then Mr. Douglas tells him, "Not only will I take the case, I'll only charge you half my normal fee!" Harris tells him that he will check into _Hooter Ville_ early Saturday morning. They should meet then. Both man say good-bye and hang up.

Patrolman Levitt lifts his right eyebrow and asks Det. Harris, "Why do they call it Hooter Ville?"

Harris smiles as he thinks about the three young women that work in the local hotel that he stayed at during his recent visit there. He then looks toward Levitt and says, "I'm not sure. But I'll…_look into it_, and let you know when I get back."

**LOVED IT?**

**HATED IT?**

**PLEASE LET ME KNOW.**

7


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to either Barney Miller or The Flying Nun. Nor will I make any profit from this work of fiction.

Ten things that never happened on Barney Miller.

**By: Ra'Ay'Mond.**

3-The Flying Nun.

Sister _Bertrille_ 'drops-into' the 12th Precinct.

Sister Bertrille casts a wide eyed, nervous glance over her left shoulder. The sight of the empty jail cell, along with the chanting from the crowd outside of the _12__th__ Precinct_ causes her to involuntarily make the Stations of the Cross. After doing this she anxiously turns back toward the police captain with the graying hair that is talking to her and the Reverend Mother Plaseato. She timidly points at the jail cell while asking him, "Um, excuse me Captain. Is that where I'll be spending the night, or will you be taking me to another jail?"

Upon hearing this Barney takes a deep breath and puts on his best '_listen to me I'm trying to help you' _face. He then opens his hands, pleadingly and replies, "Once again, Sister Bertrille, you and the other sisters are not under arrest. You have merely been…brought here for your own _protection_."

At this point Reverend Mother Plaseato closes her eyes and touches her index finger to her temple as she asks, "Excuse me _Captain_ _Formentto_..." She opens her eyes at her error and says, "I apologize. She removes her finger from her temple and regains her rock solid composure as she says, "_Captain_ _Miller_, with all due respect, as nuns of the _Convent San Tanco,_ we may be somewhat… _isolated_ from the out-side world. However, we are not totally _ignorant_ of it! And I know for a fact that if you do not intend to charge us with a crime, you have _no right_ to hold us here!" The last part of that sentence was delivered so forcefully, Barney has the feeling that she is going to keep him late after school, and make him write, 'I will never, ever, ever arrest another nun.' on the black board one hundred times before letting him go home.

Barney begins to reply, then he suddenly stops short, moves a little closer to the Reverend Mother and asks her, "By the way, who is _Captain Formentto_?"

The Reverend Mother momentarily breaks eye contact while unsuccessfully hiding a grin as she answers, "_Captain Gasper Formentto…_ is the local law enforcement officer in the area of Puerto Rico where our convent is located. Your…_overzealousness_ in this matter reminded me of him."

The other sisters, including _Sister Bertrille_ cover their mouths with their hands while shyly giggling at the Reverend Mother's comparison of _Captain Miller_ to their over ambitious, accident prone friend and local constable.

At this point Detective Harris steps forward and says, "Excuse me Reverend Mother, Captain Miller is correct about you and the sisters being safer in here than out there."

Barney than nods his head slowly while listening to his detective. Even though they have had their share of…disagreements in the past, he is happy to see Harris taking the initiative when it comes to backing up his boss.

_**Then Harris opens his mouth again and makes Barney change his mind.**_

Detective Harris leans a little closer to the seated Reverend Mother and says, "Besides, he's always like this before his first cup of coffee."

Once Barney recovers form his shock, he starts to say something. Harris beats him to it. He innocently raises his hands while saying, "Sorry Barn. Just trying to help." Barney just gives him a wide-eyed angry stare.

Detective Harris starts walking toward the rear stairway while saying, "Hum, I'm sure I can find something to do, _somewhere else_!"

Between Harris' comment, the giggling from the other nuns and what the Reverend Mother has just told him, Barney changes his demeanor. He drops both his hands, as well as his _I'm trying to help you_ face as he somewhat forcefully says, "Reverend Mother, w_ith all due respect, _you are not under arrest. However, I'm starting to think that maybe it's not such a bad idea if you were!"

Barney then points off into the distance and stammers a little as he continues. "Because of that...that little…_stunt_ that you and the good sister here has pulled, I now have an ever growing crowd of _religious fanatics,_ which as we speak are standing outside of my precinct house! And if that wasn't bad enough, they are now begging for the good sister here to do everything from healing the sick, to giving them _winning Lotto numbers_!"

*Sister Jacqueline steps forward, away from the other nuns. She smiles and tells Barney, "Excuse me Captain Miller. Shortly before I become a nun, I was a female auxiliary officer with the police force where I lived. Naturally I am prohibited from using physical force. However, if you need help with crowd control I can man a bullhorn."

Barney is literally taken aback by both the sisters' offer of assistance, and her stating that she used to be a cop, of sorts. Once he regains his composure he tells her, "Thank you sister, however I'm sure that we will be able to get a handle on the situation. He continues, "I must say, I am somewhat…amazed to find out that you were once a cop before becoming a nun."

_**As one, the other nuns reply, "we're not."**_

Reverend Mother then looks at Barney and says, "Captain Miller, many nuns live full, interesting and varied lives before joining the order, and taking their vows. Sister Jacqueline has lived one of the…fullest!"

While all of this is going on, Det. Nick Yemana is quietly filling out a New York State _lottery ticket_ for that week's drawing. When he thinks that he heard Barney mention something about the good sister _picking winning Lotto numbers_ he jerks his head up, and starts to say something. Without even looking, Barney closes his eyes and slowly nods his head 'no' while saying, "Nick, don't even _think it_!" Detective. _Nick Yemana_ hears this and without saying a word, drops his head back down. He decides to do what he always does. He plays different combinations of his badge number.

At this point Sister Bertrille is almost in tears as she pleadingly clasps her hands together while saying, "But _Captain Formen_…I mean _Captain Miller_, It was _not_ a stunt! I was in Washington Square Park with the other sisters. I was taking a picture of the arch at the entrance to the park, and that's when I saw him."

Barney moves a little closer to the sister, who is sitting at Wojo's desk and asks, "That's when you saw…_who _sister?"

Sister Batrillia, through fearful tear-filled eyes looks off into the distance as she answers, "_The bird_. The baby bird that was pushed out of it's nest by its mother. She was only trying to teach it how to fly. Except it wasn't ready to learn. It fell about half- way down before I realized that it was going hit the ground and…" At this point the sister becomes even more misty eyed then before. She quickly recovers her composure, looks directly at Capt. Miller and says, "I dropped my camera and started to run over and catch it." Then she apologetically says, "but before I knew what was happening, _I was in the air!_"

"The good news is that I caught the little bird and placed it back in its nest with its mother. The bad news is that I was on top of the Washington Arch, in plain view of _everyone_ in the park." The sister suddenly appears even more depressed as she turns toward the Reverend Mother and says, "And the worst part is that I broke my promise to Reverend Mother Plaseato about _not flying_ while away from home"

She begins to cry as she continues, "It's just reminded me of the **_Condorio Hawk_ that was shot and killed, right before my eyes! You see captain, since they destroy sugar cane fields they are hunted and killed on sight in Puerto Rico. I had to hatch the two blue-speckled eggs that were left in her nest, and raise her chicks as my own! I even taught them how to _fly_! It's illegal to raise them on the island, but I couldn't just let some of our Lord's creature's die, before they were even born!

Barney is taken aback, and raises an eyebrow at the mention of 'teaching the birds how to fly'. However, before he can ask if that means that she has _flown_ back at their convent in Puerto Rico, or anyone else, Officer Carl Levitt enters the Detectives Squad Room and says, "Excuse me Captain Miller. A reporter from _The New York Daily News_ is one the phone downstairs. He wants to know if the NYPD will be arresting any more nuns today," Patrolman Levitt raises an accusing eyebrow at his captain when he asks, "or just the ones from out of town?"

When Sister Bartilla hears this, she starts to sob uncontrollabl. The other sisters in the squad room come to her side and calm her. Meanwhile, The Reverend Mother alternates between trying to comfort the young anguished nun, and giving Capt. Miller _a paralyzing stare_.

Once Barney sees, and feels the Reverend Mothers angry glare, he starts thinking about blackboards and staying late after school again. Because of this he probable overreacts as he gives Patrolman Levitt a tired look as he tells him, "Not now Levitt! And they are not under arrest, just protective custody! Just tell them that we currently have _no comment, _becauseit is an on an ongoing investigation".

"_**Protective custody. Ongoing investigation. No comment. Yes sir!"**_

Patrolman Levitt starts to leave the squad room when he is stopped short by a ringing phone on a nearby desk. He picks up the receiver and says, "Hello 12th precinct. Patrolman levitt speaking. How may I help you?"

Det. Stanley Wojciehowicz then takes advantage of the lull in the conversation. He somewhat meekly looks at both nuns and says, "Excuse me Reverend Mother, sister. I need to talk to my captain about something." He grins at Sister Bertrille as he tells her this. Sister Bertrille not only stops sobbing, she returns his smile with one of her own. This of course causes the Reverend Mother to shift her _paralyzing stare_ from Capt. Miller, to the young Sgt., and Sister Batrillia. Wojo (Detective Wojciehowicz) sees the Reverend Mother staring at him, and is reminded of his time in Catholic School, and having to stay after school, writing on the blackboard as punishment.

He pushes down this childhood fear, turns to his captain and says, "It's all true Barn. _She can fly_…_She can fly_!"

Barney deeply sighs, rolls his eyes and starts to argue the point with his young muscle-bound detective. Wojo interrupts and says, "Me and Chano was return'n from another call, when we roll'ed up on a crowd forming at the entrance of Washington Square Park, near the arch. We make our way through a crowd of people talk'n about a '_Flying Nun_', that's on top of the arch. She's look'n real nervous, and the crowd is growing bigger and louder by the minute. But me, Chano and the other sisters manage to talk her down.

Barney quickly asks Wojo, "How did she get down"? Wojo looks off into the distance and replies, "She put one hand on her nun's hat. She held the other out for balance, and she flew down Barn. She came down in a spiral. She made about two or three small circles, and a perfect soft landing right in front of me and Chano."

Barney starts to slowly look around the room. Wojo Hold up his hands and says, "I know what you're going to say Barn. But there were no ropes, chains or pulleys. Nothing like that."

Barney looks back toward Wojo and says, "No Wojo, I was not going to disagree with you, I was looking for Chano, where is he?"

Wojo moves a little closer to Barney. He lowers his voice and answers, "He thinks that this is a miracle. Barn he's even set up an altar in the interrogation room. He's trying to give confession to a couple of the nuns."

Barney looks confused as he replies, "Wojo…I thought that only priests can take confession. Can nuns do that"?

Wojo continues to keep his voice down, but he is still more than a little emotional as he says, "No, they can't Barn! When I left them, two of the poor nuns were trying to explain that to Chano!"

The Interrogation room of the 12th Precinct is a somewhat small room. It is colored similar to the squad room. Dark green room the base of the wall to about eye level. And eye-level to the ceiling, the wall is an off-white color that has grown dingy with age. And of course like every interrogation room, there is a large two way mirror placed on the far wall and one high power incandescent lamp hanging from the ceiling.

There is a four foot, by four foot table in the center of the room. Three currently unused chairs are placed around the table. On top of the table are several white candles that are normally only used during a power failure. They are now lit, and placed each in it's own clean ash tray, to collect any melted candle wax. In the center of the table is a coffee cup with several burning incense sticks. The cup is half filled with sugar to keep the sticks from falling.

The sweet smelling frankincense smoke rises and swirls around the room. The flickering candle light and the fragrant smoke do a lot to enhance the otherwise dismal mood of this room. However, it seems to have little to no effect on its _current_ inhabitants, Sister Ana, Sister Sixto and Detective Chano Amenguale.

Sister Ana looks from Sister Sixto to Detective Amenguale with large, expressive eyes. It's now her turn to once again to _try_ and convince the police officer that they cannot do what he wants.

She takes a deep breath, turns to him, and in her shy quiet voice says, "I wish that

We could help you Detective Amenguale But…" Chano interrupts her and says, "Please, Sister Ana…call me Chano."

Sister Ana nervously looks to Sister Sixto for support. Once Sister Sixto smiles, and nods her head yes, Sister Ana turns back to the detective and says, "OK…_Chano_. I wish that we could do what you ask of us. But nuns are not allowed to take confession. You require a priest for that."

Upon hearing this, Chano drops to his knees, grabs both nuns by the hands while pleadingly saying, "Sisters please, a miracle has taken place here today! All of the old rules have changed! If a nun can fly, surely one can take a confession!"

At this point Sister Ana looks at her friend and fellow sister with such fear and apprehension that Sister Sixto decides to take off the kid gloves. She takes a hold of both Chano's wrists and gently pulls him up off the floor while saying, "Brother Chano, please stand up! Yes, you did see a miracle. But it is a miracle that has been occurring almost every day for the last several years back home at the convent San Tanco!"

Her approach works. Chano is so taken aback by the fact that a nun has been flying around for the past few years, that he stands up straight and asks the sisters, "You mean that she has done this before? But sisters, that _still_ makes it a miracle…"

Sister Sixto interrupts and says, "Yes brother, it is still a miracle. A miracle of Sister Batrilla's low body weight, small height and the headwear that our order of nuns has on our heads. It acts like the wings of an airplane whenever a _strong breeze_ comes along."

In a low, shy voice, Sister Ana adds, "That is correct Chano. But we have always known that if people knew about her being able to fly, it would cause the kind of reaction that has happened here. So we keep it a secret from the world. But as soon as we arrived in New York City, our secret was discovered. And now we will be in all kinds of trouble!"

Chano starts to speak, but Sister Sixto looks at the other two and says, "I guess it's true what they say about New York, "If you _**can't**_ make it here, you _**can't**_ make it anywhere."

Chano is confused at the sister's comment, so he asks her, "Ah sister, don't you mean, "If you _**can**_ make it there, you _**can**_ make it anywhere."?"

Sister Sixto replies, "Oh no Chano! Because when our boss the Bishop of San Juan finds out about Sister Batrilla's little (at this point, Sister Sixto flaps her arms up and down) secret, we're not going to make it here, there or anywhere!"

After they hear her explanation Sister Ana once again looks scared and confused. Detective Amenguale merely looks confused.

While Chano and Sister Ana are still _trying _to take in what Sister Sixto has just told them, she throws another bit of her _Malaproped_ wisdom at them and says, "It just goes to show you, two birds in the bush beats one in the hand."

This time it is Sister Ana that tries to correct her friend by shyly saying, "Ah, Sister Sixto, don't you mean, "A bird in the hand, beats two in the bush."?"

She replies, "No, not this time Sister Ana. Remember at home when Sister Batrilla found those two blue speckled eggs in the bush that she hatched and raised? We thought that was bad. But that was nothing compared to the bird in her hand that she saved today!

_**That one beats them both!!!"**_

Once again, after Sister Sixto has explained herself, Detective Amenguale and Sister Ana look at each other and nod their heads in agreement.

Detective Chano Amenguale is about to try once more to give his confession to one, or both sisters when Sister Sixto opens her already wide eyes a little wider and says, "It's just like that old saying, "If you want to make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs..."

The good sister then brings her hand to her chin to think about what she has just said. After several quiet seconds of deep concentration she announces to her two companions,

"_**No wait, now I'm confused!!!"**_

Back in the squad room, Patrolman Carl Levitt is still on the call that he answered when we last saw him. He makes a face and says, OK sir. Hold on and I'll ask him."

He puts the caller on hold, walks over to Barney (who is now talking to his desk sergeant on another phone) and says, "Excuse me again Captain Miller. I have the editor of the New York Post on hold. He asked to speak with you personally sir."

Barney tells the person on the other line, "excuse me" and puts them on hold. He then turns (more than a little annoyed) to Patrolman Levitt and asks, "Yes Levitt, what does he want?"

Sir, he wants to know if you'll let him send in a photographer to take a picture of the sisters in the lock-up? Or at the very least, during the perp-walk?"

Even before he is finished talking, Sister Batrilla grabs the rosary that hangs around her neck and says out loud, "Oh my goodness!" At the same time the other nuns in the room run over to comfort her. At this point, Reverend Mother Plaseato gives Barney a withering gaze while saying, "Captain Miller!"

Barney begins to offer an apology to the Sisters and the Reverend Mother. His lips move, but nothing comes out. Since he cannot think of anything to say to the nuns that could possible make things better after what they just heard. So, he turns to the one person that he can think of something to say to. He looks at his patrolman and almost violently screams, "Levitt! No more interruptions! Refer ALL TV, radio and newspaper calls to the Police Departments Public Affairs Unit! I will only take calls from HIGH RANKING OFFICIALS! Understood?"

His outburst has the desired effect on the little patrolman. He stammers out the reply, "Yes sir! Public affairs unit! High ranking officials only!"

Levitt quickly turns and painfully walks back to the phone, with the _call holding_ light blinking. He refers them to the proper department, hangs up and starts to walk away when the same phone rings again. He answers the phone and starts to transfer them to the proper department once he realizes what they are calling about. Then he hears something that makes him turn pale with fear. He places this call on hold and once again walks over to his captain, who has just informed the nuns that according to his desk sergeant the crowd is being disbursed, and they will be able to leave shortly. When Levitt walks up to him and says, "Sir, another call for you."

For the sake of _his guest_, Barney does not yell like before. He takes a deep breath and says, "Levitt, I thought that I said no more calls. I thought that I said refer them to the Police Departments Public Affairs Department."

Before Barney can continue Levitt interrupts and says, "Yes sir. But you also said that you would only speak to high ranking officials. I've got His Excellency, the Bishop of San Juan, AND the Pope on hold. They would both like to speak to both you, and the Reverend Mother." At this point Levitt sticks out his chest and nods his head side to side while he asks his boss, "High ranking enough for you sir?"

Barney is dumbstruck when he hears who his latest callers are. It takes him several seconds to react. When he does, he looks at the Reverend Mother and says, "We should take this in my office."

Shortly after that, the door to Barney's office is closed, with him and the Reverend Mother on the other side. Detective Harris, who was peeking around the corner of the rear hall way near he men's room, sees that the coast is clear. He slips back into the squad room and starts to make himself a cup of tea.

Wojo walks around his desk to stand over the seated Sister Battrilla and says, "Don't worry sister, everything will work out. You'll see. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

She replies, "Yes. Thank you Sergeant…" Wojo interrupts her and says, "Please, call me Stanley." "OK…_Stanley_." Then both of them hold their gaze a little longer than they should, and start to blush.

_Stanley_ finally pulls himself away_ and_ walks over to the coffee machine. None of this goes unnoticed by the other nuns who trade questioning glances with each other. Nor has the last scene been missed by Detective Harris, who is currently stirring his cup of tea.

When _Stanley_ comes next to him, Harris looks from _Stanley_, to the sister and back to _Stanley_. _Stanley _finallynotices this and quietly asks his partner, "_What_?"

Harris just looks him up and down, with slight disdain. Closes his eyes, nods his head 'no' as he turns away and says, _**"I don't know you!"**_

***Sister Jacqueline was originally not supposed to be in this fan fiction. However, her multi-careered/pre-nun references always cracked me up as a kid. So there was no way that I could leave her out.**

****The Flying Nun. Season Two. Episode: **_**Two Bad Eggs**_**.**

**LOVED IT?**

**HATED IT?**

**PLEASE LET ME KNOW.**

23


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller or the movie, 'War Games'.

Nor will I make any profit from this work of fiction.

Ten things that never happened on Barney Miller.

By: Ra'Ay'Mond.

4-War Games.

Patrolman Carl Levitt keeps a tight grip on the day's mail with one hand, and an even tighter grip on the doorknob with the other hand, as he does his nearly- acrobatic door- opening/room- entering spin whileas he walkings into new air-conditioned room computer room of the OlL' One Two. By the time he is finished, he has stopped his spin, closed the door and turned toward the only other person in the room as he loudly announces, "Mail call!"

Detective Arthur Dietrich, currently sitting at the far end of the room, shifts somewhat nervously in his chair. He does not turn around as he replies, "You can put it down anywhere, Carl. Thanks."

Levitt notices something odd in the way the detective avoids eye contact with him. He drops the mail on the nearest desk, and continues walking toward Dietrich as he says, "Yeah, I put it down on the desk here. So! What'cha working on, Sgt. Dietrich? Something new and exciting,. I hope!"

Without answering the question, Dietrich says, "Thanks for the mail call. Don't let me keep you from anything." Then, without turning around, he stretches his right hand out to wave goodbye to Levitt.

Levitt is now convinced that the detective wants to avoid looking at him, and does not want him seeing what he is doing on the computer terminal. Levitt, however, continues walking toward Dietrich, to see what he is working on.

Dietrich moves his chair to block Levitt's view of the computer terminal. Without turning around he then asksed the patrolman, "So, Carl, anything else?"

Levitt ignores him. Now only two feet behind the detective, Levitt stands onin this tiptoes and peers over Dietrich's shoulder. He then says, "So, Detective Dietrich. I see that you're using the newly- issued NYPD Inter-, Departmental, Emergency, and Networking Terminal. IDENT for short."

Dietrich finally realizes that Levitt won't leave. He sighs quietly and says, "That's right, Carl.!"

Levitt, feeling as if he has won a great victory, bobs his head back and forth ever so slightly, as he sticks out his chest. He then suddenly cuts short his celebratory strut when he notices what the detective was trying to hide from him. He takes another step closer. He is now side-by-side with Detective Dietrich when he turns to him and asks, "So, ah, Sgt. Dietrich. I've noticed that you don't seem to be utilizing any of the department's systems."

He jokingly, but nervously asks, "Don't tell me you've managed to rig the computer to access an outside, non-regulation computer server?"

Dietrich finally gives up.

Dietrich, finally giving up, takes a deep breath, and slowly turns around in his chair. He looks up at the small patrolman standing ontoward his right and tells him," "Yes, Carl. I'm using the department's mainframe to access an outside server."

Levitt explodes!

Levitt explodes,He nearly screamings as he says, "But, Sergeantt.!, sSurely you must realize that using IDENT for personal use is strictly prohibited. And, the offending party, or parties, may be subject to fines and penalties! Up to, and including, dismissal from the force! "

"Now I realize that you outrank me. However, I'm still duty-bound to ask, why you are accessing an outside database, while using NYPD equipment?"

After Levitt is finished talking, Sgt. Arthur Dietrich looks off into the distance as he thinks about every the patrolman's rant. However, he reacts in his typical stoic and non–emotional way. After several seconds of appraising the situation, as well as the question, the reason for asking it, as well as the person doing the asking it., hHe finally comes to two conclusions:

1 –Patrolman Carl Levitt is a by the book cop! , he dots every iI and crosses every tT. He has a nearly fanatical- obsession with advancement within the force, as well as finding any way to make detective. Dietrich'sMy violation of these rules may be his ticket to a promotion.

2 – However, DietrichI addresses him in the first name familiar more than any other cop heI knows. Although Levitthe is by the book, heI likea, and can trust, Carl.

He then looks back to his friend and coworker and says, "I have been searching various college and industry databases for any and all information on a deceased professor of artificial intelligence by the name of Dr. Stephen Falkecon. In the field of artificial intelligence he was without peer. He had the most

fascinating and farsighted views on the subject of teaching computers to think, and learn from their mistakes.

He programmed them to play general strategy games. Tic-tac-toe, Chess, Checkers, Backgammon and Ppoker. He did this in the hopes that his computers would become progressively better at simulating human problem-solving skills. He then designed progressively harder and more complex games for them to play.

Dietrich's mood turns noticeably somber as he says," Unfortunately, Dr. Falkecon died in a fatal car accident, before his work was complete."

At this, Levitt relaxes his stance somewhat as he quietly listens on.

Dietrich continues, "I became such a fan of his work, I guess I became more than a little obsessed with him."

At this point, Dietrich pauses and Levitt actually believes that Dietrich blushes with emotion ever so slightly as he looks at Levitt with a sad, almost pleading expression and says, "I just want to play these games".

After several months of tireless research, I discovered a backdoor into one of his old university computer systems that is still operational. It housesd the latest games that he was working on at the time of his untimely death."

Dietrich then pushes his eyeglasses up the bridge of his nose. He turns back to the computer terminal,. tThen shrugs as he says, "When you walked in, I found the last game that he created…

Global Thermal nuclear war.

He then turns back to Levitt and grins ever so slightly as he asks, "Would you like to play a game?"

Levitt continues to stand toat attention;. eEyebrows up,. sStomach in, chest out,. hHis hands clasped tightly behind his back. He is mentally weighing the breach of regulations against the trust he has for Dietrich.

After listening to the detective's explanation, the small patrolman thinks to himself, aside from the one time Dietrichhe was arrested at that anti-nuke demonstration, which he was punished for, there has not been a recorded incident of him violating rules and regulations. And LevittI knows for a fact he did not take the decision to go against the department lightkely. And he took his punishment like alack of man, for a cause he believed in. In other words, Sgt. Dietrich... Arthur, may break the rules,. but he would NEVER break the law!

After several more seconds of silence he completely relaxes his stance,. sSmiles, and almost laughs while saying, "Well, one game couldn't hurt! Right?"

After 30 minutes of playing, both men are startled when their coworker, Detective Ronald Harris, opens the computer room door and loudly tells them from the doorway, "Yo, _Batman and Robin_! If you two can pull yourselves away from figuring out Tthe _Jjoker's'_ next move against _Gotham City_, Barney needs you in the squad room, _right now_!"

Before Detective Harris can see the game/screen, Dietrich hits the save button before shutting the game down. Once Harris leaves, both men rush toward the door, and back to the detective squad room. However, in their rush to leave, neither officer has noticesd that the 24-hour timer on the game screen continuesd to count backwards, even after the was shut down.

On their way to the squad room. Dietrich turns to Levitt and says, "I am Batman, you're Robin."

Levitt turns toward him, and looks the taller man in the eyes, and replies, "Why should you be Batman? Batman's older'n than Robin. I'm older than you. So I should be Batman!"

Dietrich gives him a sly smile and replies, "Yeah, but Batman is taller than Robin. And I am taller than you. So I get to be Batman."

At this, Levitt takes a step back. Gives Dietrich the once over and says, "Oh Yeah! Well Batman wears lifts, and I think you do too!"

At first Dietrich is a little taken back bythe Levitt's reaction,. bBut after the shock has worn off, he grins and he gives his friend a pat on the shoulder while saying, "I tell you what, _old chum_, first we find out what _Commissioner Gordon_ wants, then later we can work out who is who once we're back in The _Bat-mobile_."

Levitt quickly turns and almost yells, "Fine. But I call shotgun!"

Dietrich begins walking as he smiles and says, "Shotgun, huh? Isn't that where _Robin_ always sits?"

Levitt catches his mistake. He rolls his eyes and halfheartedly punches his fist into his open palm as he says almost to himself, "Guys my size _never_ catch a break!"

Time: 10 minutes. later.

Location: Cheyenne Mountain, NORAD Command.

General Beringer is not a happy man. He sits holding the receiver of _the_ red phone, while the man on the other end, asks for confirmation forabout what he has just been told by his CIA liaison. The general lifts a tension-filled eyebrow and says in a slight Southwestern accent, "That's correct, Mr. President! Several Soviet submarine task forces appeared out of nowhere, up and down both of our coasts. Seconds after we detected them they commenced firing their nuclear payloads at our major cities. Next came their bombers entering US airspace and doing the same. We even detected an aircraft carrier launching its full contingent of fighter-bombers toward Washington DC. One minute they're there," (the general loudly snaps his fingers,) "and the next they're gone!"

General Beringer hears the president's say something that makes him turn and glare at the only other person in the room, Dr. John McKittrick. Once the pPresident is finished talking, the general tells him, "When the warning lights ∧ sirens first activated, one of Dr. McKittrick's staff informed me that WOPR was merely conducting a _simulation_". The other man defiantly holds the general's gaze without blinking. However, the general misses a stream of sweat running down the side of the good doctorDr's face as he turns away. He continues speaking to his commander, "However, Mr. President, I was not totally convinced. I have gone on record more thaen once, sir, voicing my objections to giving control of our nuclear arsenal to what is, in my humble opinion… _a calculator on steroids_!"

After that last comment, it was Dr. McKittrick's turn to glare at the general.

The general either did not notice the dirty look, or chose to ignore it. He continued, "Mr. President, it is also worth noting that right before I placed this call to you, Dr. McKittrick's was kind enough to inform me his staff hads _just_ discovered that at the same time as this _simulation_, WOPR was in communication with an _outside line_."

The general once again glares across the table and says, "Even though we have had the _highest_ assurances in the past that WOPR could never be contacted by an outside line." At this Dr. McKittrick's nervously brushes his mustache as he sinks deeper into his chair, and looks up at the ceiling tiles, wishing that he were anywhere else but there.

The general once again turns away from McKittrick as he responds to something that the president has just said, "Yes, I agree, sir! In cases such as these, _there are no coincidences_."

The general continues,. "Yes, sir, we are sending a team to where that call originated from." The general then looks slightly hesitant as he replies to an unheard question over the phone, "Unfortunately, Mr. President, it seems that local law enforcement will have to become involved on this one. If our information is correct, our saboteurs called us from the _12th pPrecinct_ in New York City. And they were even kind enough to type in their names during their little mission. _Detective Arthur Dietrich_ and _Patrolman Carl Levitt_. That's correct sir! New York City Cops.

We'll have them in custody within moments, and back under

the mountain before nightfall sir."

The general now rubs a tension-filled eyebrow while nodding his head up and down slowly as he listens quietly. He then answers, "Yes, sir,. I totally agree with you! We still cannot afford to take any chances. We have no idea how many people besides these…_officers_ are involved. For this very reason I have just canceled leave for all U.S. military personnel.

"And to avoid having our boys wiped out by a sneak-attack, I'm ordering that half of our bomber fleet remain airborne, until further notice. Also, US nuclear forces worldwide are on full alert. Just in case we have no choice but to launch a massive retaliatory strike against the Soviet Union!"

"**And last but not least sir, I'm bringing us down to Def-Con Two!"**

LOVED IT?

HATED IT?

PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

14


End file.
